Synopsis
The curtain rises on the showroom of the Horace J. Fletcher American Cheese Company in Hurray, Connecticut. As workers commence the day with choir practice ("Fletcher's American Cheese Choral Society"), they offer greetings to foreman Timothy Harper, manager C. Edgar Sloane, and owner Horace J. Fletcher.
Fletcher is in a particularly merry mood this morning: The President has just signed a bill placing a fifty percent tariff on every pound of imported cheese. This means everyone will eat American cheese – and think what that will do for business. His reveries are interrupted by the arrival of Mrs. Draper and her daughter Anne. Mrs. Draper has come on an errand of mercy: As founder of the City Air Movement for Country Children, she hopes to persuade Fletcher to work with her – hand in hand. She pursues Fletcher into an adjoining room, leaving Anne to summon Timothy for a clandestine meeting. Her mother disapproves of their relationship, but the two are determined to be married; after all, they'll be old and gray in another year or so ("17 & 21").
Fletcher's mood momentarily darkens. Switzerland has sent the President a note protesting the tariff. "Switzerland? What the hell is that?" he wonders. He discovers that it's only a small country in the middle of Europe, and his fears are laid to rest: The Monroe doctrine will take care of everything. "Good old George Monroe. One of the greatest statesmen this country has:' Sloane corrects him: "Had." "Had? Is he dead? "Oh, yes, sir. He died." "You don't say? What was the matter - did you hear?" "I don't know. He hadn't been feeling well for a long time." Now who will help them? How about the Colonel Holmes, the President's confidential adviser? – he's in town unveiling a mailbox. Fletcher instructs Sloane to send a confidential messenger to his hotel.
Fletcher's day continues to deteriorate. His daughter Joan arrives with important news: She's discovered who wrote that nasty article in the Gazette, the one that depicted her as a social snob. His name is James Townsend, and Joan wants him horsewhipped. In walks James Townsend himself. He seeks a comment from Fletcher regarding Switzerland's recent protest. Joan leaves her father to tend to Jim, but Fletcher is reluctant to offend the press at this critical time. He engages Jim in innocuous conversation, but grows incensed to learn that Jim has no desire to better himself, that he began as a dairyman and would happily go back to his old job. To Fletcher, that's un-American. Look at how he began: with nothing but a pound of cheese and the memory of his mother – and she had a very bad memory ("Typical Self-Made American").
Joan runs into Jim as he is leaving the factory. She vents her fury, but he refuses to apologize for the article. Why did he write it? To get her attention. In the six times they've been introduced, the farthest he's gotten is: "Nice evening." "Yes." ("Now I'll admit I wasn't sparkling, but you were terrible.") Besides, it's spring. That always has an effect on him: the birds, the flowers, the trees, the leaves. Why, he could even get positively lyrical about it ("Meadow Serenade'"). Joan resists at first, but eventually acknowledges an attraction.
As Fletcher awaits Holmes' arrival, he is interrupted by George Spelvin, telephone repairman. Fletcher exits, and Spelvin furtively darts from door to door, listening at keyholes. Suddenly, all the workers rush in to greet Colonel Holmes ("Unofficial
Spokesman'").
Upon spiriting Holmes away to a private office, Fletcher presses him to handle the tariff matter even if it means a war with Switzerland. War costs a lot of money, Holmes reminds him. Fletcher offers to pay all the expenses of the war and give the government twenty-five percent of the profits – if the war is named after him. Holmes agrees.
A few weeks later, citizens of Hurray gather outside Fletcher's house ("Patriotic Rally'"). War seems imminent, especially after Switzerland's latest ignominy: a note sent to the United States with six cents postage due. George Spelvin, messenger boy, brings Colonel Holmes a copy of Washington's response, a three-point ultimatum sent to Switzerland with eight cents postage due: "First, an apology for everything, including the sinking of the Maine. Second, the return of the six cents paid on the last note. And third – they've got to send us two of their biggest Alps by a week from Thursday." All are delighted with the news – except Jim. He confesses to Joan that he has reservations about the upcoming war, but she convinces him to fight for her sake ("The Man I Love'").
Timothy and Anne are also at odds: She wants him to marry her tonight, but he resists. Their fight is upstaged by George Spelvin, vaudeville hoofer, who is leading the crowd in a patriotic exercise ("Yankee Doodle Rhythm'").
As citizens await a declaration of war, drinks are served by George Spelvin, butler. Colonel Holmes offers Mrs. Draper a drink that looks like milk ("but it ain't"). As the "milk" takes effect, Holmes rambles on about his sad plight: The President won't let him talk. Why just a few weeks ago, a woman came up to him in Washington and asked, "Wheres Pennsylvania Avenue?" - and he didn't dare tell her. Mrs. Draper tries to console him: "She's probably found it by now." Fletcher enters, and she turns her attentions to him ("17 & 21" reprise).
Spelvin serves Jim a drink, informing him that it contains the same milk used in Fletcher's cheese. Jim grimaces as he tastes it. He rushes to Joan with news he can't participate in this war: The cheese isn't pure. It’s made from Grade B milk. Joan won't believe a thing about her father, and accuses Jim of being a coward. Suddenly, Fletcher rushes in. Congress is in session, preparing to declare war. As citizens gather excitedly, Jim urges them to reconsider "Finaletto Act 1"), bur his protests are lost on the crowd. A siren announces war, and Jim is manacled and taken into the house.
The citizens rush off, leaving Fletcher, Holmes, Sloane, and Mrs. Draper to organize a Very Patriotic League. Its purpose: to make sure everybody is patriotic. ("Anybody that doesn't go to war has got to be as patriotic as the soldiers.") Fletcher wishes he could go himself, but he has too many appointments for next week. Still, they must do something to keep up the spirit at home. There's a book in the public library called Swiss Family Robinson. Outrageous, Fletcher exclaims, encouraging the enemy that way. Mrs. Draper suggests calling it American Family Robinson. And the fellow that shot the apple: William Tell. He was Swiss, too. That should be cut out of the schoolbooks as well.
A telegram arrives. War has been declared by Iceland: "We cannot maintain our neutrality any longer. We are declaring war on both sides and will find a reason later." Another telegram: Switzerland wants the war to be held over there. They offer reasonable hotel rates and many beautiful tours. Mrs. Draper prefers to have it in the United States ("like the Civil War"), but Fletcher insists that Switzerland, at the height of tourist season, is the perfect Spot: "For good battles, we ought to get $5.50 a seat."
Jim is brought before the Very Patriotic League . He questions their motives, but Holmes advises him, unofficially, that God is on their side. (They just got a telegram.) Jim has proof that Fletcher's cheese is inferior, but no one wants to hear it. That might mean having to change all their plans, and everyone would be inconvenienced. Don't they believe in free speech? Of course – but not at a time like this. Jim is conscripted. As Timothy leads the soldiers off to war ("Strike Up the Band"), Fletcher announces Joan's engagement to Sloane.
The action continues in Switzerland some weeks later, as soldiers keep busy by knitting sweaters for loved ones and flirting with local Swiss maidens
("Oh This Is Such a Lovely War"). The Board of Directors arrives for a visit, and chairman Fletcher demands a progress report. Timothy reluctantly admits they haven't fought any battles: "You get an awful lot of rain and snow over here. The boys won't go out in this weather." Fletcher regrets they didn't fight Italy instead. In addition, Timothy continues, they can't find the enemy. They keep hearing the Swiss general yodeling to his troops, but by the time the American soldiers get there, the Swiss have moved on.
Fletcher is furious. All these tourists willing to pay any price for a good battle, and no profits coming in. Unless he can raise some funds right away, Fletcher can't keep the war going another week. Holmes refuses to lend him money – even with the war as security. What about the President? Holmes confesses that the President doesn't know about this war. He had a lot of things on his mind at the time, so Holmes just went ahead without him.
Enter George Spelvin, lost tourist. He's looking for a job, and informs Fletcher that he'd be willing to start as a general ("and work up"). He admits he's never been a general – in fact, he doesn't know anything about war - in fact, he doesn't know anything about anything. Maybe he could be a general, Fletcher reasons. He makes Spelvin general for a day; but warns him that he has to show results to hold the job.
Jim comes on, having been relegated to working the kitchen. Joan appears, anxious for a reconciliation, but Jim coldly rejects her ("Hoping That Someday You'd Care"). Spelvin tries to rally his soldiers into action, bu they are too preoccupied to fight: The desserts are terrible, and someone has been stealing the buttons off their coats. Mrs. Draper and Anne arrive with a group of tourists ("Come·Look-at-the-War Choral Society"). Mrs. Draper forbids her daughter to marry before she herself has married; after all, she doesn't wish to become a single grandmother. Anne assures her that she won't become a grandmother for at least six months. Running into Colonel Holmes, Anne fibs that her mother has five million dollars in cheese bonds. She then rushes to Timothy for a joyous reunion ("Military Dancing Drill").
Mrs. Draper is thrilled by Holmes' sudden attentions – unaware that he believes her a millionairess. Soon Fletcher gets wind of her (supposed) fortune, and she is caught - uneasily at first, then giddily between two men ("How About a Man?").
Jim has devised a strategy to win the war. When Fletcher turns a deaf ear, he offers it to General Speilvin. Spelvin, in turn, reveals that Sloane has been cutting the buttons off the American uniforms. As Spelvin exits to enact Jim's plan, Jim confronts Sloane. His accusations are interrupted by the first skirmish, which results in an American victory ("Finaletto Act II"). Tourists and soldiers sweep off with Jim on their shoulders.
On a boat headed home, a soldier anticipates the simple pleasures that peacetime affords ("Homeward Bound"/''The Girl I Love" reprise). Meanwhile, Mrs. Draper and Fletcher find themselves disturbed by the choppy surf, and decide to settle down together – in sea-sickness and in health.
In Fletcher's ballroom, the girls of Connecticut await their boyfriends' return while a military band entertains ("The War That Ended War"). The soldiers enter, headed by Major James Townsend. He introduces a heavily-veiled woman, a fraulein from a little Swiss village. She has come to identify a man who also grew up in that village, a man whom she used to know. Suddenly, Sloane bolts for the door. Jim grabs him and announces to a stunned crowd that Sloane is in fact a Swiss spy; for years, he's been adulterating Fletcher's cheese with Grade B milk. And the little lady? None other than George Spelvin, American Secret Service Agent.
Sloane is taken away, lovers reconcile, and all is peaceful – until one final telegram arrives ("Finale Ultimo").
- Tommy Krasker
